I must say I glean much pleasure in feeding the capitalist beast. Turning a blind eye to the evil marketing that pushes people in pursuit of the american dream closer to debt, I trek on to the warehouse stores, the pricey grocery stores, and ritzy department stores. This does not mean that I lack social graces during bargain hunting nor does it mean that I am unaware of how I carry myself in these places. I find that common courtesy seems to be the one thing that one cannot buy in any store.

1. This is not a country with right-hand drive. Please stay to the right of the aisle. Also, please observe car traffic rules when turning, stopping, or merging.

2. Do not wear a track suit and proceed to eat meatballs on a stick, this destroys the athletic look of the tracksuit.
(supplimental: do not wear a track suit if you have let your body go and haven’t toned up in the last 20 years)

3. I know that you are blissed out on your free sample, that doesn’t mean that you’ve become invisible. Please treat the samples carts as if you were at a fancy dinner party, PEOPLE ARE WATCHING YOU. There’s no need to be hunkered over your little cup of fish stick bites, chewing with your mouth open like there’s no tomorrow. I do not take free samples and because you’ve swerved ahead and cut me off in the aisle, I will judge you more as you stuff that third pierogi down your gullet.

4. Do not shout down the aisle to your shopping partner. Though this may be fun when you two are drunk, it is not funny when the aisle is crowded. If you must shout, please do so only when truly necessary… unlike today when I heard “Just pick a potato chip that goes with a salad.” ??? Is there a potato chip that goes with a salad? Perhaps I need to try pairing salad greens with potato chips.

I implore you the reader, think of your fellow man when you are in stores. Together as advocates for social organization, we can change the aisles of stores through basic human decency.