The Misery Index is the economic measure of the economic distress which takes into consideration the unemployment in relation to inflation. The Misery Score is the tabulated tax burden which the citizens of a given country bear. Forbes, in its glossy-magazine-wisdom has taken data from “Cities Ranked & Rated” (Bert Sperling, 2007) and Moody’s to crunch figures on the top 150 metropolitan cities. Based upon crime, commute times, taxes, unemployment, and… weather – Detroit came out as the most miserable.

The story without giving advertising money to the Forbes Empire here [link]

I would like to extend my gratitude to Forbes Magazine and Forbes.com for making my city and state more attractive to new industries and businesses.

We here in Detroit, invite you to come visit us for our stunning crime and violent crime. Those of us who have jobs in the service industry commute from far and wide to meet your needs at an attractive (albeit taxed to the eyeballs) price. Forbes rated us the most miserable city in the country, so stop in and gawk! Sorry we can’t do anything about the terrible weather, we can’t move the jet-stream or the lakes. However, our high foreclosure rate means low low prices! What you save on a new home can go into the ever increasing cost to heat and cool your home, say “bah” to the weather!

In my spiteful-blogging-wisdom, I am now replacing the adjective miserable with the word Forbes.

Since an unknown sample of people admitted that Miss America lacks relevance and popularity, the good folks at TLC brought together the an advisory panel of style-makers to revamp the American institution of the beauty pageant [link]. Following in the “oh-so-modern” the reality show format, we get a perfectly edited perfectly biased showcase of how this contest is new and exciting. Though I only caught this show using my DVR’s cache, here are a few things that I learned from the Miss America Reality Show.

1) US Weekly is the embodiment of the perfect American person. US Weekly the celebrity magazine gives us helpful day-to-day tips in their sections “Just Like Us: photos of celebrities doing things everyday people do” and “The Record: a roster of changes in the lives of stars — births, marriages, divorces, etc.” As one of the panelists for the show Dina Sansing, an editor at US weekly, helps the ladies out with tips on make pageants modern by “glamming it up” and walking more “red carpet” instead of “a stiff pageant walk”.

2) Everyone needs to dress like a celebrity and drop names of celebrities. I personally don’t have a stylist, but I’ve learned  it’s important to have a stylist with neck and shoulder tattoos like another one of the members of the TLC advisory panel, Jeanie Mae. If you don’t know what celebrities wore the labels that are currently on your back, get yourself a celebrity gossip magazine and head towards the mall.

3) Try to get a good sound-bite. Wait for a camera crew to sneak in your room… then pour your heart out about a personal trauma. Hopefully, that camera crew will add sound, personal photos, and perhaps a black-and-white reenactment of the trauma. Take this video reel to job interviews, dating services, or the parole board.

Thank you Miss America Organization [link], you really know how to make the near perfect Miss.